


Pain & Pleasure

by purplebass



Category: The Last Hours Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:15:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25125280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purplebass/pseuds/purplebass
Summary: It was the first night after their engagement party, that Cordelia was alone with James.He, who technically was her fiancée. Dark and light at the same time, James. He was walking besides her, their hands close, yet not almost touching the way she desired.She still thought this fake marriage was not a wise idea, but what do they said, you made your bed, now lie in it. And lie she would, they both will.
Relationships: Cordelia Carstairs & James Herondale, Cordelia Carstairs/James Herondale
Comments: 11
Kudos: 78
Collections: Jordelia





	1. Pain

That night, the wind was blowing hard it was disturbing. It was November, no wonder the weather was cold and cloudy, with the sun occasionally peaking out then go into hiding once again.

It had set hours before, the sun, since it was close to nine. It was past dinner time, but Cordelia didn’t feel the bit hungry. On the other hand, it was like anxiety was clawing at her stomach and making her feel tense, uncomfortable.

It was the first night after their engagement party, that Cordelia was alone with James.

He, who technically was her fiancée. Dark and light at the same time, James. He was walking besides her, their hands close, yet not almost touching the way she desired.

She still thought this fake marriage was not a wise idea, but what do they said, you made your bed, now lie in it. And lie she would, they both will.

It had been her mother’s idea that she spend time with him. After all, ruined or not, he had agreed to marry her. Another guy would have probably left her and run, if they knew about their dire situation. But James was not like that. Cordelia’s mother had commented on how responsible he had been in proposing to her; it surely wasn’t something to overlook. What her mother didn’t know was that yes, he was responsible without a doubt, but that it was all just a fantasy. James had said they would divorce after a year, but would she be okay with the heartbreak?

Cordelia went to the Institute around four, but there was no trace of James there. Lucie said he was with the Merry Thieves somewhere to help Christopher find something he needed for one of his experiments.

Cordelia decided to wait and have tea with Lucie in the meantime and keep the appearances with his parents, but James only returned when the sun had set. He asked her to stay for dinner, but Cordelia had declined. They were engaged, but her mother would have a fit if she spent more time with him before they would get married. And she didn’t want to stay. Despite Lucie was there too, she needed to get home because she wanted to spend time with Alastair, who looked a bit pained himself after the party. He had all the symptoms of heartbreak too.

James had insisted on walking her home, because he didn’t want her to go to Kensington alone at that time of the night, despite Cordelia had suggested she’d call a hansom cab.

“You are silent tonight, Daisy,” James said, interrupting her wandering thoughts.

Cordelia shivered at his pet name for her. She melted every time he called her Daisy, but she couldn’t enjoy it like she used to, right now. Not after he told her what happened in the whispering room was only a pretense. She felt a stab of pain in her chest and she wanted to say that he shouldn’t call her like that when they were alone anymore, but he would understand that it hurt. And no, she wouldn’t show her feelings. It was already a disaster as it was, and she had to keep her heart guarded, not drown herself in her own feelings and suffocate.

“I don’t have anything to say, that is all,” she answered, managing a small smile in the hopes that he would let it go. “Besides, I’m hungry.” It wasn’t true and she knew it, but it was the best excuse she could find in that moment.

She looked at James, whose golden eyes beamed whenever they passed under a light pole. Otherwise, they didn’t have a color. She knew the Mask was on, and the thought hurt her even more. James frowned, not quite convinced.

“I am famished as well. What do you say we go eat somewhere?”

Cordelia raised an eyebrow. “What?”

James smirked, and it was as if his whole face lightened up, not just his eyes. And this time it wasn’t because of the light poles. “Let’s go eat somewhere. Perhaps at the Devil Tavern?”

She shrugged. This wasn’t like him at all. “Why would we go there?”

“Because they know us, Daisy. That’s why,” he winked, as if he hadn’t said nothing out of the ordinary. But to Cordelia it wasn’t usual to spend the evening alone with a guy, it didn’t matter that he was her future husband. There must have been a reason for him to ask this. She heard him sigh. When she glanced at him, he was looking away from her and at the street ahead of them. “I wanted to speak to you about something, Cordelia.”

Oh. “Can’t you say it now?”

“I don’t like to discuss these things outside, where someone could hear us. That’s why I proposed our group’s retreat.”

“Alright, James,” she eventually agreed, even if she had wanted to say no. She didn’t like the idea of being alone with him, with the silence surrounding them. It was already painful to lie about her what she felt for him, she feared that he would realize the magnitude of it. No, she had to pretend.

After a few minutes, they reached the Devil Tavern and asked for some food to be delivered upstairs. The downworlder behind the bar lamented that it wasn’t a hotel with room service, but said that James could get away with it because he liked him and his friends.

And now they were there, in the room James and the merry thieves used whenever they wanted to be together and meet. Cordelia had been there a few times, but there had been other people with them. She had never been there with James, only the two of them alone in that room. She sat on the sofa in the middle of the room, her hands in her lap, her expression neutral. She wished James hadn’t noticed that she was anxious. But sooner or later it would have happened. It would have happened that she and James would be alone.

“What did you want to talk about?” Cordelia asked.

“About us,” James announced in hushed tones. He was sitting on the same sofa as her, but they were far enough that their bodies wouldn’t be able to touch. “I think… I think we need to practice, Daisy.”

“Practice… what?”

James looked away for a moment, then Cordelia seriously thought he wanted to murder her because of what he said next. “Kissing.”

Cordelia felt her cheeks heat. Why would he want to practice kissing if they weren’t going to kiss in front of other people until the day of their wedding?

She shook her head, incredulous. “I don’t understand. Is this for Grace’s sake, James?”

“What? No! I don’t want to kiss you just so Grace thinks we are together. And she knows it’s not real.”

The words were another stab to Cordelia’s heart. James told her… James told the girl he was in love with that he wasn’t marrying his fiancée for love. Cordelia shuddered at the thought that after the year they’d spend together, he would run to Grace and they would run away into the sunset together.

Seeing that Cordelia was stunned, James talked first. “Look, Daisy, it’s just – “he started, then shook his head as if he was saying too much. “I need to prove something.”

“And what would that be, James? We already agreed that this would be a _marriage blanc_. I don’t know what you would - “Cordelia’s sentence was stopped before she would finish talking.

James had been fast. He had cut the distance that separated them on the sofa and was now kissing Cordelia. He was holding her neck, and she noticed how his hand was warm and not cold like the weather outside. James had eased Cordelia’s head on the armrest, and she felt his body harden besides her legs.

He said he was famished, but she didn’t think he would be so famished.

Realizing James was kissing her and that it wasn’t probably a good idea, she shoved him away from her. And he let her, as if he had expected her to.

Cordelia’s lips hurt. Not only because of the heat of James’ kiss, but also because of the realization of what had just happened. She should had stood when she saw him approach, but the truth was different. She had wanted it. She had wanted James’ lips on hers one more time. She enjoyed the kiss, but he would never know.

She tried to appear wounded. “I never gave you my permission, James,” she said coldly.

James gasped and shoved a hand through his hair. Cordelia saw his hand mid-air as if he wanted to reach out to her and touch her face, or probably put her hair behind her ear as he once did. But in the end, he closed his hand in a fist and placed it on the sofa. “I’m truly sorry, Daisy. I beg you to forgive me. I don’t know what happened.”

“I don’t know either,” she said, clutching her dress on her lap. “But I hope you won’t try it again.” It felt painful to say those words, but she had to seem hurt. She had to make him believe she didn’t like that he dared to kiss her without her permission, fiancée or not.

_This was all a lie. It is better if lie too. One day is not going to be hard being around him._

James looked pained. “You have my word,” he agreed. “I swear on my own life. But forgive me, please.”

Cordelia wanted to smile. James was deeply hurt, and his eyes seemed brighter, happy. For some reasons she didn’t understand, he had the face of someone who was sorry but at the same time, he wasn’t, just like her. “I forgive you, James. But only if we go. Or my mother will go mad.”

They stood up. James grinned, and to Cordelia, he looked like a child. For a moment, she forgot about the fake engagement and that he didn’t feel the same about her and enjoyed that moment. The moment where James looked at her as if she was the most precious thing in his life.

She knew that it wasn’t true, but she held on the dream until they reached her house. Once inside, closed in her bedroom, she cried. No. She had to be strong. It was only a year, she told herself. In one year, many things could change. Perhaps…


	2. Fated?

After getting Cordelia safely to Kensington, James was hit with the realization of what had happened at the Merry Thieves’ private room at the Devil Tavern.

He felt a pang of guilt in his stomach, but what for? Was it guilt because he had kissed Cordelia when he still thought he liked Grace, or because of Cordelia’s reaction to that kiss? Cordelia hadn’t seemed enthusiastic about it once it was over. Yet, she had let him press his lips on hers for longer than he believed she would, so maybe the kiss had been what she wanted.

James sighed. He had entered the Institute several minutes before, but he had been sitting in the drawing room instead of going in his room. It wasn’t that late, but he hadn’t heard any voices when he came back and supposedly everyone had already gone to bed.

He looked at the fire, and the flames made him think about Cordelia again. Her hair wasn’t the exact color of the flames, but they were still fierce like a beacon brightening up the dark. Yes, Cordelia definitely burnt like a blazing fire when she had to help other people.

“By the angel,” James murmured to the fire and touched his forehead and closed his eyes, letting his body relax on the sofa. “Why Daisy, why? Why did you do it?”

“Has something happened, Jamie?”

James opened his eyes abruptly and shook his head, trying to conceal the confusion of his thoughts. There was still somebody up at the Institute. “No, papa, nothing.”

It was a lie, of course. James wanted to tell him that everything happened at once and he was flustered, but he didn’t want to discuss this with his father. Will was probably the happiest out of his family about his engagement with Cordelia. Not that his mother wasn’t happy for them, but his father was the one obsessed with the Carstairs to the point that he couldn’t hide his excitement about this future event – to the point that he called his uncle Jem even when nobody needed medical help from a Silent Brother just to see him or hear his voice in his head.

His engagement was a big lie. A fabrication to save himself and Cordelia.

James felt sick to have to pretend in front of Will, since they had a good relationship and he always _almost_ told him everything. For one, he hadn’t told him about what was going on with him and Grace, even though his parents had realized it later, probably, after Magnus had taken him home and saved him from drowning in the Serpentine. He feared that they would also find out that what was going on between him and Cordelia was nothing than what they thought it would be. And the thought frightened him. Besides the fact that it could ruin Cordelia, he was scared that the respect and trust his father and mother had in him could change. That they could judge his actions and don’t understand the reasons behind them. But then he thought, _my parents aren’t judgmental people. If and when it happens, they will understand._ Won’t they? _They would understand._

Will sat on the sofa besides his son. He was wearing his night clothes, and he was probably going to bed. “It was gentlemanly of you to accompany your fiancée home.”

“I couldn’t let her take a hansom cab. It was late.”

“We raised you well,” he commented, with a glint of pride in his eyes. “I’m very happy that you are marrying her, James.”

James managed a smile, then looked at the fire again, trying to evade his father’s gaze. “I think we are _fated_ to be together,” he said without thinking. How he wanted to kick himself for that line. He sounded corny, but he knew that his father would understand and would buy the lie even better. What bothered him was that when they would divorce after a year of marriage, these words would laugh back at him. Especially when he didn’t completely believe in fate. He was damned, after all. And in his case, fate didn’t have a positive connotation, but a negative one, like _ill-fated_. He hoped his and Cordelia’s lives wouldn’t be tainted by ill-fate after this.

“Fated? That is a nice way to put it,” Will agreed. “I’ve always tried for us to meet with Cordelia’s family whenever they were nearby, but I surely wouldn’t have thought that you would fall for her. You know how ecstatic I am that she will become a daughter for me and your mother, but we couldn’t expect you to be attracted to her. I mean, she might have not been your type. But seeing that you chose her brings me so much joy.”

James nodded. His father was already on the Cordelia train. It was crystal clear. Then why wouldn’t he jump on this train as well? _Yes_. _Grace_. He loved Grace, but Cordelia… He needed to stop thinking about Grace. Yet, he looked at the silver bracelet on his wrist. “Well, since you couldn’t marry uncle Jem, there will still be a Herondale that will marry a Carstairs,” James teased, knowing that his father didn’t mind him joking about his love for his ex _parabatai_.

He knew that if Jem hadn’t been a Silent Brother, his father and his mother would have probably married each other and his uncle, had it been legal. James knew Will loved Tessa more than his own life, but he also loved uncle Jem the same way. And James was a bit jealous sometimes. He also wanted to receive that love from somebody who wasn’t Lucie or his parents or Matthew or uncle Jem. He thought that person would be Grace, but it didn’t seem like it would be possible at the moment. He wondered if in the meantime he could come to love Cordelia, perhaps. Perhaps the lie could turn into reality?

His father laughed at his joke and put a hand on his shoulder, suddenly becoming serious. “I know you are a good boy, James. Not only because we tried to teach you about loyalty and love, about trust and kindness. You are truly kindhearted. And I know you will treat Cordelia well, but I just want to tell you this. If you are bothered by something, anything, share your burden. It may come to you as a silly request, but I know you, Jamie. You are a quiet boy as well as good, and there are some things that plague your mind that I understand you don’t want to share with me or your mother. But James, don’t leave your future wife out of your mind. Let her help you. You like to take the world on your shoulders and help the people in need, but you should also learn to ask others to give you a hand. And I see Cordelia is just like you. After all, you may really be fated like you say.”

James was stunned. It wasn’t the first time his father had told him that. He knew that he didn’t always tell them everything, and it didn’t bother him. On the other hand, he appreciated his parents for giving he and his sister space and being close to them and affectionate at the same time. They were a close-knit family and he loved his parents. That’s why it hurt him more to lie.

“I don’t know what to say,” he replied.

“You don’t have to say anything, _fy machgen_. I know your ears work,” he grinned.

James bent over to hug his father. It was Will who usually did that, because he loved to shower him and Lucie with affection and he usually took the initiative. But in that moment, he felt like taking upon himself to do it first. For someone it might have been weird or something to be ashamed of, because he was a seventeen-year-old hugging his father as if he were a child. To James, instead, it was something to be proud of, because it proved that a man could still be vulnerable and in need of affection, or simply, a guy just wanted to tell his father how much he loved him. And it was silly to think he would need to justify his actions. That was one of the things he learnt from his parents: don’t be ashamed to love and to show your love.

This made him think about Cordelia. And he was ashamed, because their love was not real, and he thought he should fix it, or at least try.

“I’ll try my best, papa,” James said once the moment was over. Then Will told him he would go to bed because his wife was waiting, and he suggested him to do the same. To go to bed, he meant. Not to go to his future wife.

Cordelia was going to be his wife.

Cordelia was going to be his wife.

Cordelia…

 _Perhaps I should really try, Daisy_ , he thought that night while he was in bed, unable to sleep. _At least I should try to lessen your burden by making these months pleasant. So that it won’t be a burden to be with me for show, even if you don’t love me._

The following day, James woke up early to do just that. He wore his black coat and tried to warm himself against the cold autumn weather, by walking to Cordelia’s house. He thought it wouldn’t be that odd for him to show up on her doorstep without announcing himself. He was her fiancée, after all. So, when Cordelia’s maid Risa opened the door after he knocked several times, he wasn’t expecting to find a familiar face in her drawing room.

James waited for a moment in the dark, like a shadow. But this time he didn’t turn into thin air, because he felt everything, like the pang of jealousy in his gut.

Matthew was there. _His_ Matthew.

“James,” Cordelia rose from the armchair she was sitting on. “I wasn’t expecting you.”

James tried to smile and hide his feelings. What was he feeling, exactly? He wasn’t able to tell. It was foreign, yet, something familiar. He was confused. “I…” James said, but he couldn’t find the words. “I just wanted to ask you if you wanted to take a walk with me.”

Cordelia was taken aback. “I fear we can’t this morning, James. Matthew was just telling me that his mother said that my father is arriving in London,” she told him excitedly.

“Hello, James. Hope you don’t mind me here, but I wanted to give Cordelia the good news in person,” he explained, still sitting on the far end of the velvet sofa. From the cups on the small table in front of it, it looked like they were having tea.

James thought he was silly. Why would Matthew be at his fiancée’s house before nine in the morning, if not to tell her such important news? But still, his jealousy didn’t go away. Perhaps because he still remembered the way Matthew and Cordelia had gazed at each other during their engagement party, and how they had made each other laugh. He didn’t have to lie to himself. It could be that Matthew liked Cordelia and that Cordelia fancied Matthew. After all, he also loved Matthew. He believed a person like Cordelia may come to love him as well. Under the eccentric exterior, Matthew was someone who desperately wanted to be loved. What if his _parabatai_ and his childhood friend, now fake fiancée, would fall in love?

James didn’t know if he liked the idea or not, but he had to consider that possibility. Still, he had to try to make everyday count, so that he could say he tried his best.

“That’s great, Daisy,” he replied. “Is he coming here now?”

“No, we were about to take the Consul’s carriage to go to the Silent City. He’s being held there for the moment, since they wanted Silent Brothers to examine him,” Cordelia explained. James noticed her tone was happy, but there was a bit of worry in her words, especially if her father was to be examined by a Silent Brother, which James knew he didn’t like.

“Then I’ll come with you. Would you mind, Daisy?”

“No, of course not, James. After all, it is better if we go there together, since he doesn’t know about our… our arrangement,” she said, looking uneasy for a moment.

“Alright,” Matthew said, “I guess it is time to go. My mother said that Elias would arrive at nine sharp. We should move.”

“Isn’t your mother coming?” James wondered.

Cordelia shook her head. “The Silent Brothers told her it’s better she stays home and rests because she’s pregnant, to avoid that she loses the baby. So, we’ll take my father here.”

James nodded and then the three of them went out on the street and reached Matthew’s carriage and got in.

It would be a long ride to the Silent City, and James really didn’t know nor was prepare what to expect from that journey. He just knew that it would be harder than he thought to win Cordelia’s attention, but he loved challenges.


	3. Excitement

Cordelia was beyond excited in the cab. She was sitting next to James, who seemed nervous himself, and she was playing with her hands. She was eager to see her father again after they had been separated for months. She had fantasized a lot about the moment when she would be able to embrace him again and check he was all in one piece. She loved her father, but she also knew more things about him that she didn’t accept but that she could still come to terms with to some degree. She decided she would ask Elias about what Alastair told her, hoping that her father would not lie to her. She was sick of being lied to, because she wasn’t a little girl anymore. Of course, that had to wait, since she didn’t want to harass her father on the first day of his semi-freedom.

“What’s wrong, Cordelia?” Matthew inquired at some point, his head tilted to the side and his eyes brimming with sincere curiosity. She had caught him staring at her during the trip, and she didn’t know how to interpret his stares. She liked Matthew, of course, he was one delightful person to spend her time with, but she also knew that she had to keep the appearances with James and she tried not to see too much into Math’s kind and subtle attentions towards her.

“I’m just thinking about my father,” she replied, twisting her hands in her lap. Damn, she had to stop.

“Are you excited to see him again?” James asked. He was covered in darkness because they were passing under a bridge not touched by natural light. It was one of the paths that took to the Silent City, and she could say that every time she went there, it was a surprise because the journey wasn’t the same all the time.

Cordelia couldn’t help but nod, but didn’t add more on the matter, as the carriage was invaded again by the bright glow of the sun of the first hours of the morning. She had to shield her eyes and grip on the door handle so she wouldn’t fall, because the vehicle had just taken a bumpy road and was aggravating her already unbroken tension.

After a few minutes, the cab came to a halt in front of a big dark entrance with no door. Cordelia felt like this was different from the last time, but didn’t care at the moment, because what mattered the most to her was that she was there, and that she was about to meet her father.

She didn’t wait for Matthew or James and she scurried out of the carriage without help. It was a miracle she didn’t fall on her face, but she wouldn’t have cared if she did embarrass herself like that. There was a Silent Brother waiting at the threshold of the barely lit tunnel which conducted inside, because they had been expecting them. It wasn’t James’ uncle Jem, who was also her cousin Jem, but one of the Brothers Cordelia had seen several times, Brother Enoch.

 _Come this way, please._ He told the three of them, and they kept silent, the restlessness in the air was heavy, and it seemed James and Matthew were equally agitated as she was, as if their emotions were in tune. Was this what parabatai felt? She wondered if she and Lucie would also feel the same, but that wasn’t right time to reflect on that. Her father was the priority.

They descended level after level and it seemed like her father was held far and far down the Silent City, which worried Cordelia, because there was only one thing in the Silent City’s undergrounds. The prison, where the Brothers kept the criminals but also held people who had committed small crimes. Her father had been accused of a grave crime in the shadowhunters’ world, and she wasn’t surprised that he had been taken there. Yet, one part of her wished that he wouldn’t receive this treatment, especially since they were releasing him because the Clave decided his case needed to be set over for trial. And Matthew told her he needed to be examined, so she expected to find him somewhere else, in the infirmary, perhaps.

This was getting insane, but she didn’t dare to ask questions because she feared the answers she would receive. After several minutes, if not an hour of descending, they stopped in front of a large grated door. Two Brothers stood by its sides and one of them spoke to Brother Enoch, then he opened the gate and let them pass.

Cordelia started shaking. She didn’t know what triggered her jittery state, perhaps once she passed the threshold which separated the jail of the Silent City from the rest of the place, she was hit with the realization that her father had really let some of his fellow shadowhunters get hurt because of his carelessness and he deserved to be there, because he…

She felt her legs gave out and she didn’t realize that she had just gasped aloud until she felt a warm hand taking her trembling one and keeping her steady. Cordelia bit her lip and she drew blood. She felt its bitter taste on her tongue, but she didn’t feel the need to spit it because it helped her keep her sane and attached to reality, to that moment.

She gazed at her hand and then at the person whose hand belonged to.

“It’s okay, Daisy. You’re not alone,” James told her in a soft tone, almost sweet. He was concerned, even if he didn’t let it show.

Cordelia managed a small grin and steadied herself as Brother Enoch came to a stop in front of a small cell. She didn’t dare to look inside at first, fearing that she would not like what she’d see. But then she thought that she had missed her father terribly, and that was what mattered, that he was there.

“Father,” Cordelia murmured, trying to get Elias’ attention. He was sitting on a wooden bench positioned next to the largest wall of the cell, his head bent down.

He glanced up when she heard her voice, and he smiled. Then, after a few seconds, she saw his expression turn hostile, almost irritated that she was there. “Cordelia, what you doing here? I thought I sent a message to your brother,” he said gravely. “Why isn’t he here?”

Cordelia felt that question like a slap on the face, but tried to keep her composure. “Alastair couldn’t come. He said that he was required somewhere, or something,” she explained Elias, who didn’t seem convinced by her words. “And mama can’t come because of the baby, that’s why I am here.” _I thought you also wanted to see me_ , she wanted to add, but she held her tongue.

“He’s never available when you need him,” Elias commented, appalled. She hated when someone criticized her brother, when this time he really didn’t do anything wrong. The way her father addressed Alastair irked her. Coming from him, those were empty words.

“Like I said, he couldn’t come, that’s why I’m here. I came to take you home, father. Don’t you want to come home?”

Elias sighed and hurried towards the gate of the cell. “You have no idea, Cordelia. Aren’t you going to let me go, no face?” he asked Brother Enoch, who stayed by her side all the time, even if she didn’t realize it. The Silent Brothers were soundless.

 _You are granted bail, Elias Carstairs_ , Brother Enoch told him. _But this doesn’t mean that you can do as you please. We’ll get in touch in two weeks._

“Damn, I can’t even leave in peace,” Elias muttered as the Brother opened his cell. Cordelia hurried towards her father to help him out of there, since she saw he was limping. He linked his arm in hers so that she could help him walk, but before they exited the cell, the door closed.

She saw Brother Enoch being thrown on the nearest wall, as if something invisible had struck him. Matthew rushed to him while James took several weapons from his belt to prepare to attack the demon that had probably done, but no one appeared. Even if it was impossible, since demons could not enter the Silent City.

“Matthew, can you see it?” James asked, glancing around to see if something had moved. Meanwhile, Brother Enoch had rose to his feet again and other Brothers came to the scene.

“I don’t see anything, James,” Matthew replied. When his eyes fixed on the jail cell, he realized that Cordelia and Elias were locked in. “Who closed the door, Cordelia?”

Cordelia was about to answer him when she felt her father move beside her. She thought perhaps he wanted to try to open the door of the cell, but then he turned his body abruptly towards her and his hands went on her back, on Cortana. _Maybe he wants to use the sword to open the cell?_ Cordelia thought, but instead of using the weapon to smash the iron, he threw the sword on the cold stony floor, and much to Cordelia’s surprise, his hands went around her neck and squeezed. Hard.

She stared at her father’s blue eyes, the same eyes who were so dear to her, as he seemed numb and lost somewhere but at the same time, he was confident in what he was doing. Those eyes were vacant, which scared Cordelia, but she didn’t have time to think.

Cordelia felt his cold hands grip on her throat as you would clutch the neck of a chicken when you wanted to kill it. Not that she had ever tried, of course, but in that moment, she felt like she was helpless just like that chicken, except her executioner was her own father.

She used her hands to force his imposing hands away from her, but Elias’ grip was too strong that she felt powerless, she felt like clay in his hands. She could have fetched Cortana, but the gold sword was too far, until she fell on the floor without warning and she hit her cheek on the humid pavement of the cell. She didn’t know what happened, but at least she felt the air slowly refilling her lungs. At least her father’s hands were not on her neck anymore. James appeared by her side and checked her head for wounds, and she wondered if they had opened the door.

“I can’t see blood, Cordelia. Does it hurt somewhere?”

Cordelia was speechless, but she shook her head. “What… what…” she tried to say, but she still felt the shock from the lack of air and she couldn’t form coherent words.

She realized that James put her head on his legs and was caressing her cheek as her eyes started closing. Why were they closing now? She wanted to know what had happened, but the last she heard before everything faded to black was James’ voice as he told her: “Sleep, my Daisy. You’re safe.”


	4. Distress

When Cordelia regained consciousness, she felt a throbbing pain on the side of her head, as if she was lying on an anvil instead of her pillow. She was in her bed, wasn’t she? She couldn’t remember.

She felt the pull of sleep tugging on her eyelids, but she fought it until she was able to glance at her surroundings. She was in her room, at least. She recognized the burgundy panels on the walls and the canopy bed made of dark wood and the heavy blankets which covered her exhausted body. There was a glass of water on the nightstand, and a small bottle of a concoction of an indistinguishable color. And she wasn’t alone.

She realized that someone clutched her hand. “James?”

“It’s Alastair,” her brother replied sullenly, and he retrieved his hand from hers as if he had been scorched. “You’ve woken up, finally,” he added, and he was frowning, which was not a rare occurrence for her brother, but the way he was looking at her, bored almost, hit a nerve. She didn’t want him to act like that, act like their father. No. _Alastair wasn’t like Elias._

Cordelia’s face contorted and the pulsing in her head grew. “Are you angry, Alastair?”

Alastair clenched his fists in his lap, and looked away. “I’m definitely angry. I can’t describe to you how angry I am, Cordelia. I truly can’t.”

“I’m sorry I made you worry.”

Alastair’s features softened and he gazed at her, really gazed at her. “I’m not angry with you.”

“You are not?”

He was frustrated. “I thought you didn’t hit your head too hard, but you probably did.” It was Alastair’s way to tell her that he wasn’t holding her responsible of what had happened. “On the other hand, I am grateful to your fiancée for saving you.”

“James saved me?”

“Layla, are you sure you are all right? It doesn’t seem so. By the way, he did. He said he entered the cell and struck Elias with something he found on the pavement and he released you.”

“That’s why you are grateful to him?”

Cordelia wasn’t sure if Alastair felt indebted to James because he had saved her or because he had hit their father. She knew that it didn’t run good blood between he and Elias, but she never believed that her brother loathed him to this degree.

She wanted to hear the reply to that question, but her mother Sona barged in the room followed by Risa. “You are awake, Cordelia, my daughter.” She hurried to her bed and touched her forehead to check her temperature. Her mother was not young anymore, but she was still beautiful. In that instant, though, she saw her narrowed eyes, her quivering lip and the creases on her forehead, and she seemed to have grown older overnight.

“Is my father here too?”

Sona’s face hardened. Cordelia noticed the slight tremble in her hands at the mention of her father, which Sona tried to hide by putting both hands on her faint baby bump. It was a protective gesture, not just for her baby brother or sister, but also for herself. “He’s still in the Silent City, my dear. The Brothers decided to keep him there after – after what he did.” Sona’s voice cracked at the end, and she looked away, glancing at the nightstand. “Have you had a glass of water? Risa, please, help her sit. Adjust some pillows behind her back.”

Risa sauntered to the other side of Cordelia’s bed and arranged the pillows in a way that her head was sustained. Cordelia didn’t want to sit, her brain was still pulsing like a bomb that was ready to explode any second, but she yielded. She didn’t want her mother to add her to the list of troubles.

“How are you feeling?”

 _Like I hit my head on the hard and humid floor after somebody tried to choke me_ , she wanted to say, but she decided it wasn’t time to be sarcastic, although that was the truth. “Better, thank you, _mâmân_. How long have I been out?”

“Just a few hours, Cordelia. It’s late afternoon, if you’re concerned. Your Silent Brother cousin tended to you,” Sona revealed with a neutral tone, and Cordelia couldn’t understand if she was relieved or irked by that detail. “It was James Herondale who requested it.”

Cordelia sighed, tightening her hold on the hem of the blanket. “It was nice of Jem to do it,” she commented, hoping that her mother and brother wouldn’t hear the regret in her voice. She and her cousin Jem weren’t as close as James was with his uncle. She didn’t have the right, if she were honest, to be hurt by the fact that he had only come because James requested him to. She had barely meet Brother Zachariah, Jem, and they didn’t know anything about each other save for the fact that he was a dear person to the Herondales and to James. She wondered if he would interact with her some time, since she was going to marry his nephew.

“Very nice of him, indeed. We couldn’t hope for a better man to be engaged to you, Cordelia. Another from his bunch of friends, perhaps the Consul’s son, would have been better given his wealth and his connections,” Sona commented. “But I am pleased by the Herondale boy, he is well-mannered and everyone seems to love him and his family.”

Cordelia thought how wrong that statement was, but she didn’t dare to say anything. The Herondales were loved by everyone of their friends and family, but she was aware of the whispers and the looks most of the members of the Clave directed at them. She had witnessed firsthand during the ball they organized to welcome the Carstairs in London, and even when she offered to marry James there was still somebody who couldn’t keep their mouths shut and had to badmouth them. This hurt her a lot. Not just because they offended her future _parabatai_ Lucie and her future fake husband James, but also because of the falsehood that were spread, especially when she knew how they were honest and kind towards everyone. They didn’t deserve this treatment.

“Better Herondale than Fairchild, indeed,” Alastair muttered under his breath by the window. Cordelia didn’t know the specifics, but she knew that something had happened between Matthew and her brother.

“Alastair. Let’s not dwell on this argument anymore, shall we,” her mother reprimanded him, to which Alastair replied with a grunt.

“I’m going to head out,” he informed them, then turned towards his sister. “I’m glad you are fine, Layla. But if it ever crosses your mind to visit father again, I won’t let you go alone. You understand?”

“Yes, brother. I’ll tell you when I want to see father again,” _If I want to see him again,_ she added in her mind.

“Good,” and then he was out.

James didn’t want to leave Cordelia’s house until she would regain consciousness.

He didn’t believe he was overdoing his role of fiancée, even if his relationship with Cordelia was not real. On the other hand, he knew that he needed to be there for her anyway, because he cared for her more than he could imagine, more than he was aware.

Sona, Cordelia’s mother, told him that she couldn’t let him see her daughter until she would open her eyes. She respected that they were engaged and she probably supposed that they had also been intimate, but she couldn’t let him stay by her side alone.

James agreed to that despite he wanted to assist Cordelia and stay with her once she would wake. At least he was one floor below her private room, which helped ease a bit of his apprehension. Risa brought him a cup of Prince of Wales tea to sip as he waited, but the dark brew didn’t help with his foreboding sense of helplessness. He sat on the plushy sofa and sipped the tea, but he soon had to put the cup back on the small table or he would let it fall and it would stain the Persian rug, which wasn’t a good idea. His hands were clammy, and they wouldn’t stop trembling as if he had been stung by a bee and it was starting to numb the flesh. He hadn’t finished the tea, which eventually turned cold.

“James, would you stop it?”

It was Matthew who admonished him. His best friend but also his _parabatai_ , who decided to stay with him. He realized not long ago that he might have gotten closer to Cordelia during the course of the last weeks, but they never talked about their feelings for her. He wasn’t sure Matthew felt something for Cordelia which went beyond friendship, but just thinking about the idea that he might made him edgy. They never liked the same people, but he couldn’t make a truthful comparison because Matthew heavily disliked Grace, the only person James ever fancied in his short life.

“What?” James inquired, touching the finger were his family ring would be. The ring which now belonged to Cordelia as a promise. He felt bare, even if the heirloom was in better hands.

“You need to calm down. Have you heard what your uncle said? She is fine. She doesn’t have any wounds or swelling. She just needs a little rest, that is all.”

James frowned at Matthew and shook his head. “You are right, but we’ve been here for hours and she’s still unconscious. I’m worried. Her own father tried to strangle her.”

“It wasn’t probably her father, though.”

“No one could have entered the Silent City, Math. Who could have been?”

“What if it was your grandfather? He has possessed people before. Didn’t he say his goal was to take control of your body?”

James flinched, glancing away, trying to look at anything but his _parabatai_. “Yes, it is possible. But it doesn’t explain how he could get there. He is still a demon, the Silent City holds criminals, but it can’t hold demons.”

“I don’t want to contradict you, but as you are aware, he possessed Ariadne Bridgestock when she was ill in the infirmary,” Matthew explained. “He could have possessed Elias’ body.”

“It makes sense now that I think about it, but it still doesn’t explain why.”

“Because he wants you, that’s why.”

James and Matthew turned abruptly to the door. Alastair, Cordelia’s brother, was leaning on the door’s jamb, with his arms crossed over his chest and his brow furrowed. It wasn’t atypical for him because he was always grumpy or annoyed whenever James or the Merry Thieves were concerned, but now James noticed how Alastair’s tone lacked contempt.

James, who was already standing by the tea table, pressed his lips together. He didn’t intend for Cordelia’s brother to overhear his conversation with Matthew, but they were at his house after all. “Can’t say you are wrong,” he shot back, “but I wish you believe me that it wasn’t my intention.”

“It wasn’t your intention to have a prince of hell as a grandfather?” Alastair wondered, but it was more of a rhetorical question than an accusation. He shook his head and moved closer to where James was standing. “What I meant is that it’s not your fault that you are related to such a despicable human being. We can’t choose our kin, but we can choose our allies.”

James frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Do you want to be our ally, Alastair Carstairs? _You_ , of all people?” Matthew asked out of the blue, rising from the armchair. He pointed his finger at Cordelia’s brother, baring his teeth at him. “You can’t be serious.”

Alastair rolled his eyes with exasperation at Matthew. James understood that his _parabatai_ was angry because of the false rumors Alastair spread when they were at the Academy, but as much as those things hurt him, they were in the past. Ever since they had met him again, he looked different. He wasn’t absolving him of his crimes, nor he had completely forgiven him, but he wanted to try to see things from his perspective. He was still Cordelia’s brother and she loved him very much. In spite of their fake marriage, he wanted to try and be civil with Alastair.

“I don’t want these demonic things or whatever they are to hurt my sister as much as you, Fairchild. Namely after this morning Elias was possessed by one of them.”

“Are you sure he was possessed?”

“Didn’t the Silent Brother tell you? That’s what they think,” Alastair explained.

James’s mouth opened slightly upon hearing that Alastair knew more than he did. He had asked his uncle Jem to check on Cordelia, but after he was done, he hadn’t told him anything about the suspicions he and the other Brothers had had, and had fled from the Carstairs’s home. He tried not to look away from Alastair as he felt a stab of pain right in his heart. He wondered why Jem hadn’t spoken to him. Maybe he had his reasons, but it still hurt him all the same.

Matthew gawked at James and came to his rescue. “That’s what we were discussing before you came,” he replied for his _parabatai_ before he could form a coherent sentence. James felt relieved that his best friend acknowledged his distress. That wasn’t just how _parabatai_ bonds worked, it was also how profound and close James and Matthew’s friendship was.

“By the way, my sister is awake. She was asking for you.”

James nodded, and before Alastair or Matthew could add more, he left the room to check on the woman who would soon become his wife. His distress, however, didn’t subside, but he would deal with that later. Now Cordelia was his priority.


	5. Realization

James didn’t wait for anyone’s approval to get inside Cordelia’s room. He knew he had to announce himself before opening the door wide open, but he just barged in, out of breath because he had taken the stairs two at a time. He stopped when he saw that Cordelia wasn’t alone.

“Mr. Herondale, I thought you had left,” Sona Carstairs, Cordelia’s mother, commented with a calm voice. “I’m afraid Cordelia won’t be able to see you today.”

James nodded, rubbing his hands together as he caught sight of Cordelia sitting in the middle of her bed with a lot of pillows behind her back. She seemed okay, but her white nightgown that James could see from where he was, made her seem ill. “I just wanted to check she was okay.”

“Yes, of course,” Sona said as she stood up from her chair and went to retrieve a robe for her daughter and passed it to her. “But next time, please knock. I understand you are engaged, but I don’t find it appropriate that you see her in such an undressed state.”

James saw Cordelia roll her eyes when her mother spoke, and he was about to laugh, but he decided it was better to keep a serious expression. “Yes, Mrs. Carstairs, I’m sorry for this inconvenience. Next time I’ll be careful.”

“I trust you are well-mannered,” Sona commented with a hint of a smile. “Risa, let’s leave them alone. I give you fifteen minutes.”

“But – _mâmân_!” Cordelia protested.

“I said fifteen minutes. Risa will see you off,” she told James, ignoring her daughter’s request altogether. Then she and the other woman exited the room, leaving the door wide open.

James sighed and padded towards the bed, intending to sit on the chair by her nightstand. He tried to, but decided that he was too anxious to sit down, and stood by the side of Cordelia’s bed.

“I’m fine, James,” she told him with a firm voice and a smile. It wasn’t the entire truth, but she didn’t want to worry him more than he already was. She could see his restlessness. He clenched his fists and gritted his teeth when he thought she wasn’t looking. “And thanks for asking my cousin to check on me.”

James’ expression softened at the mention of Jem, and he finally managed a shy grin. “You’re going to be my wife soon. It’s the least I could do.”

“Of course,” Cordelia replied, trying to conceal her emotions. She was aware James cared about her even if their marriage would not be real, but it still hurt. That thought, along with the fresh memory of her father trying to hurt her, made her sigh. “I feel tired, James,” Cordelia continued, as James’ face hardened.

“But we still have - “

“We can recover those ten minutes another time,” she interrupted him, closing her eyes for dramatic effect.

James opened his mouth to protest. He wanted to tell Cordelia he would ask her mother to keep her company, but seeing that his fiancée was about to fall asleep, he decided against staying. Maybe it was the wrong idea. “Alright, I’ll see you, then.”

She nodded with eyes half-open, already crashing, and watched as the person she loved left the room. After he had closed the door behind him, the tears came. It all came crashing down after realization set in. Her father had tried to strangle her. She would marry a man who didn’t love her back. The two things couldn’t compare, but they both hurt.


End file.
